Beyond the mirror: Who are you Really?

Knowing who you are is a state of being where you are crystal clear on your values and beliefs and accept your strengths and weaknesses fully and wholeheartedly without judgement.

Do you ever find yourself thinking “I don’t know who I am”?

If so, you are not alone! Many of us lose touch with our true selves along the way and this is a conversation that frequently arises in our practice, especially among clients grappling with burnout. They realise they've buried their true selves for so long that they no longer recognise who they are.

A common scenario unfolds when I ask what their passions are, or what inspires them, and they can't even answer. They've dedicated so much to their careers or thrown themselves into being a version of themselves to please others, that they've neglected their own needs. This leads to a sudden, often jarring, realisation as they approach midlife. 

Elizabeth, a 51-year-old from New York, shares her story:

"I had a sudden awakening in my forties. I had dedicated my entire life to my corporate job. I had money and a beautiful house but no partner, no children, and couldn’t even tell you what made me feel alive. Weekends, vacations, and quality time with friends had been sacrificed for the pursuit of wealth, and this realization caused me to crumble. Hitting middle age, I didn’t even know who I was anymore."

The Quest for External Validation

At the heart of this identity crisis lies a reliance on external validation. When we derive our self-worth from external sources such as work, relationships, or social approval, we create a fragile sense of self. This dependency makes our identity vulnerable to the opinions and expectations of others, rather than grounded in our intrinsic values and beliefs.

Several factors contribute to this need for external validation. Some of the key contributors are:

Early childhood experiences Kids seek approval and love from caregivers, and consistent positive reinforcement or a lack thereof shapes self-esteem. If a child only receives praise when meeting certain standards they may learn to rely on external validation to feel worthy.  

Parenting style Overly critical or neglectful parenting can lead to a lack of self-worth. Conversely, excessive praise can foster dependence on external approval. 

Social influences In environments where there is an emphasis on achievements, appearance and social status, over-adapting to social situations to gain approval fragments our sense of self, as we adopt different personas to fit in.

Perfectionism Perfectionist tendencies drive people to seek constant validation to affirm their success and competence. 

Trauma related to rejection or abandonment can lead to dissociation (a disconnection from oneself). A child who faces neglect or abuse may dissociate to cope and develop a strong reliance on external approval. This dependency hinders self-trust and internal confidence. One aspect of dissociation is depersonalisation, which leads to a blurred sense of identity, making it difficult to define oneself. 

Pathways to Self-Discovery

Despite the painful feelings not knowing yourself may evoke, all is not lost!  The journey to self-discovery can be reframed as an exciting opportunity to get to know yourself, like meeting a wonderful new friend for the first time.

I’d like to invite you to take 5 minutes for yourself to complete the following quick and easy exercises that will help you rediscover your authentic self: 

1. Define Who You Are

Take a blank piece of paper and write down the characteristics of the ideal or perfect person that you would like to be. So for example: Intelligent, fun, compassionate, present. 

What behaviours would you like to bring to every aspect of your life? Write these down too.

Congratulations. This is the real authentic you!

Without the added complications of anxiety and doubt, this is the authentic person that you truly are at your core.  

2. Clarify Your Values

Our values provide purpose and a framework for living authentically. They guide our decisions and help us navigate challenges. Understanding your values can increase self-esteem, provide clarity of purpose, and enhance overall wellbeing Take this simple values quiz.

3. Envision Your Future Self

Visualise yourself 20 years from now. Where do you live? What is your home like? Who surrounds you? What does your social life look like? Dive deeper: What are you doing for work and fun? What makes you laugh? How do you relax? What do you appreciate about yourself? These reflections can reveal what you truly desire in life.

4. Practice Self-Reflection

Journaling is an evidence-based tool to help you explore your thoughts and feelings and foster a stronger internal sense of identity. It will help you to reconnect with your authentic self. All you need to do is put pen to paper and write about how you’re feeling. Whatever comes to mind is perfect, just let it flow.

5. Engage in a specific therapy modality 

Very specific types of therapy can help you to address unmet emotional needs and challenge cognitive distortions. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) are proven to be the most effective.

As you clarify your values and envision a brighter future, you’ll begin to form a clearer picture of who you truly are. Embrace this journey of self-discovery! :-) 

"When you know yourself you are empowered. When you accept yourself you are invincible." — Tina Lifford.